How Shame Is Getting In Your Way
Before I get into any strategy or tactical stuff with my ADHD clients, we work on validation first. For ADHDers, the two things that make it debilitating are all-or-nothing thinking and the "shame and shoulds."
"You should have started it by now."
"If you had just started sooner, you'd be done."
"Stop procrastinating."
"If you would just apply yourself."
I gave a client this example earlier today: If you've ever mountain biked or kayaked, you've probably been told to look where you want to go. Don't look at the rock you're trying to miss. Shame is that rock. It shines a bright light on everything you haven't done yet. And then you wonder why you can't get farther down your path. You're like, I'm spinning my wheels. It's because you're just looking at the rock and barreling into it all the time.
Shame resilience is noting the rock is there. Yes, it would have felt better if I had started sooner, but I'm not looking at that. I'm going to look at the line I'm trying to run and paddle fast in the direction I'm trying to go.
Go With the Current
If you're trying to go upstream against your natural behaviors, you're going to exhaust yourself and get nowhere. But if you just let go, pick up your feet, and go with the flow of the river, you're still going to have to use your energy to shift around rocks and obstacles. You might have to hop out and make adjustments. But if you go with the current, you're going to get so much farther with so much less energy.
What To Do Instead Of the "Shame & Shoulds"
Find your natural rhythms. Accept them. Ride with the flow. You're going to get so much farther than trying to be who you're not or create daily systems based on what you think it's supposed to look like.
Here's what that looks like in practice:
Make a tada list at the end of each day. List what you did do, even if you didn't complete it.
Create a go-to mantra for when you notice the "shame and shoulds." Make your mantra visible; for example: "I would have liked to have started sooner, but now is the next best time." Action precedes motivation!
Make tasks smaller than you think they need to be. One suggestion: Consider what specific action or part of the task you could complete in 10 minutes or less, and then go do that one thing.
Keep on keepin’ on, friends. The journey continues!
